Putting the Bite On


Written by

Ryan O’Harris

Before I tell you about myself, I just want to thank all of you employers that have gathered here to help all of us find jobs and give us each an opportunity to tell you what our skills are and how we can help you as an employee.  I know most of you are looking for clerks or salesmen or maybe even management, but I offer a unique set of skills that I know you will find useful. I don’t think any of you have ever hired a person with my skills.  So, what is it that I can do for you?  It’s really very simple.  I can kill anyone you want in 24 hours or less.  So, whether it is a competitor, a client who did not pay his or her bill, a bill collector, even a wife who is complaining about your constant affairs with other women, or husband for those more enlightened female employers there is no job too small, too large, or too complicated for me to find the perfect ending to.  Now you are all probably worried about how I will actually do this.  You see, I am a vampire.  That’s very good for you because when I kill that employee of yours who is about to file a sexual harassment complaint, it will just look like an animal attacked her.  I don’t have fingerprints, and I don’t bleed or shed or leave anything behind besides the dead body, of course.  My expectations in terms of payment are partially paid by the person I kill, so you really get a discount in that sense.  The balance of my payment I sort of take on contingency.  That means as long as you keep sending me new work I never have to collect the balance from any of you or your family.  In case some of you feel that my profession simply will not work for you, I have taken all the doubt out of the equation.  You see, you have no choice.  I have decided that you all must participate.  So, if you don’t want to pay the full price for my services, I suggest you send me a client within 48 hours.  I really hate putting the bite on you like this, but then that is sort of what I do.